


Read My Mind

by SarahSecret666



Category: Marvel
Genre: He literally wants to fight everything omg, M/M, PTSD, Steve is as aggressive as he was preserum, because he's a little shit, trigger - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 11:08:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6903394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarahSecret666/pseuds/SarahSecret666
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PTSD!Bucky has to try and adjust to civilian life with Steve's help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title just comes from the name of the song I was listening to when I wrote this: Read My Mind by The Killers.

July 4th was naturally Steve's favorite holiday, and it showed. Aside from Veteran's Day and Memorial Day, which were close seconds. Sharon noted that he'd begun decorating his apartment earlier this year; a flag proudly hung from outside his door. It wasn't authentic from his past, he'd told her, there was nothing left of his from that time. Except Bucky. 

The Winter Soldier adjusted just about as well as one could given his circumstances. He rarely left Steve's apartment alone, preferring instead to take in the 21st century slowly, much more slowly than Steve had. Though he operated and was very much active throughout the years, the whole fist of HYDRA thing made it rather hard to keep up with the changing times. Just the other day, Sam noticed how the man had practically jumped in fright at the sound of an automatic hand dryer in the bathroom. He cursed in Russian, wringing his hands out on his pants to dry them. 

Sam didn't tell Steve about this, for fear the man would quite literally punch a hole through the dryer. 

Steve never lost his patience with Bucky, even when it seemed like he was going to. After being woken again by the other man's screams at night, he put on a film and laid on the couch with him, stroking his hair until Bucky's breathing steadied and his heart didn't pound right out of his chest. "It's alright Buck. Remember him? We'd swore he'd never make it in Hollywood when his first picture came out. Well look at him now. I guess things really do change."

Sometimes though, things were worse. Bucky couldn't remember anything at all, and he'd trash the apartment, trying to find a sense of what was going on. He'd only speak Russian then, in a rough, clipped tongue. Steve couldn't understand much, and he was grateful whenever Nat was near enough to help. Bucky would often have Steve by his throat before stopping and realizing what he was doing. After that, it'd be days before Steve could coax him out of the corner of his darkened guest room. 

He knocked on the door. "Come on, Buck, it's the 4th of July. This is one of the few holidays that were practically made for us. It's just gonna be some of SHIELD up on the roof, I promise it won't get bad."

It was silent, so Steve thought Bucky might've been sleepy, when the door opened, and a pair of beautiful eyes peered cautiously out at him. They were like an animal's careful eyes surveying their situation. 

"Okay," he said gravelly. "But let's just assume everyone up there does not like me."


	2. Chapter 2

The atmosphere was light and hearty, like any regular workplace gathering, aside from the fact that everyone was either armed or extremely dangerous anyway. Steve stuck by Bucky for most of it, until the man managed to give him the slip and sat near the edge of the roof, legs dangling from the edge like a child in a chair. He hadn't wanted to ruin the mood. Despite all of Steve's insistence on his innocence, Bucky knew how people felt about him. The averting gazes, the slight shift in their bodies, the way they treated him. As if he were a sick dog waiting to be put down. 

He didn't blame them for it either. 

Steve did his rounds, speaking to everyone, charming and clever. Bucky liked to watch him this way; he could see the way the corner of his eyes wrinkled whenever he smiled at someone or laughed. Steve was relaxed, his body not tense or guarded like Bucky was. 

He was as relaxed as he could be, granted. He liked being alone. Then all hell broke loose. 

The fireworks had started. Bucky saw red, and for a second, he lost control of everything. His mind, his body, his voice. Something - no - someone, was restraining him, and he panicked more, not hearing their voices, but just the continued echoes of the explosions above. 

He remembered making it to the fire escape and curling into a ball, trying to shrink himself down and covering his ears. No no no no no, he whispered to himself in Russian. 

Bucky made crying, almost choked noises as his head was shoved to the ground, on his stomach, with his arms pinned to his back. His legs were free however, for a moment, until something else immobilized them. "LET ME GO LET ME GO!" He shouted, his mouth being the only thing not controlled. 

A hand covered his mouth as he thrashed, until he heard Steve in his ear. "Shhhhh Buck it's okay, you're safe. You're okay. I'm so sorry Buck, I'm an idiot. We're gonna try and get you back inside, okay?"

Bucky stopped struggling, and lay limp as they dragged him, whimpering so quietly that only Steve noticed. 

"It's alright. No one saw," Sam's voice said quietly, from behind as he restrained Bucky's legs. "We must hurry back so not to incite discussion however," T'Challa grunted from the other side of Bucky. 

"You hear that, Buck? You're gonna be okay. No more fireworks, no more people. I'll stay with you in the apartment. They won't miss me," Steve said, shooting a look to the other two that said "Don't argue."

They made it to the apartment, where they placed his shaking form on the couch, and Sam covered him with a blanket. "S'alright. Everything's okay. Hey, I know how it feels. Might not seem like it right now, but things will get better soon. You're gonna get better soon." Bucky appreciated his words, and soon he felt his heart settle, his breathing no longer audible. 

Bucky blinked twice in response, and watched as Sam left. "You don't have to stay Steve," he whispered, burying his face into the couch cushion. 

"Damn right I will - ", Steve started, but he paused. "Know what?" He said, and Bucky groaned because he knew exactly what the other man was about to do. 

"Steve - "

"HEY ASSHOLE, YOU WANNA FUCKING GO?! THOSE THINGS ARE ILLEGAL HERE," Steve ignored him, grabbing his shield on his way out. 

This man was literally about to shout to the sky and all who might be responsible for the fireworks. 

Bucky groaned and turned over. T'Challa hummed something to help him sleep, a hand on Bucky's shoulder to further calm him. 

It's not your fault, he seemed to say silently. 

~

"Steve." T'Challa called after him into the hallway. "I'm gonna fight it," the other man said as he barreled his way through. T'Challa touched a hand to his temple and groaned.


	3. Chapter 3

There were more incidents of course, like the time Sam was making breakfast and the toaster had gone off. Bucky jumped and all but killed the other man when he tried to calm him down. 

"WHOA WHOA MAN ITS OKAY!" Sam shouted, waving his butter knife rather like a serial killer's, which was probably a mistake. 

"What happened?!" Steve appeared a second later, and noticing the toaster, promptly threw his shield. 

"Damn thing didn't work right anyway. Always burnt the bread," he muttered before leading Bucky by the arm to his room. Sam just shook his head and continued to cook. 

"Breakfast'll be ready in twenty if either of you still want any," he shouted loud enough for them to hear. 

~

"Oh come the fuck on, really," Steve cursed. "It's fine Stevie, let's just keep walking," Bucky said, trying to shove the heavier man forward. "No no," Steve said, "I'm fighting this."

"You fight everything!"

Bucky watched helplessly as Steve proceeded to alternate between punching the wall and hitting it with his shield. 

"I HATE BUCKY BARNES" was visible in bright paint across the brick wall that separated Stark Towers from a field. 

"Really Tony?" Steve plopped the last surviving brick from the wall onto his desk. 

"Barnes like my present?" Tony asked innocently. "Fuck you."

~

One day, Bucky had finally had enough of Steve's stupid shit. 

"YOU CAN'T SAVE ME FROM MYSELF STEVE! Okay? I'm not worth all this," Bucky finally shouted, slamming his metal hand down on a table, which naturally splintered in half. 

"To me you are," Steve said icily, kicking the pieces of the table over easily as he made his way over. "To me you are the only I have left, and I'll be damned if I let you fall again. In any sense of the word. You've been on your own for too long Buck. Let me help you," he pleaded. 

He met his eyes, but instead of responding, Bucky merely straightened up the surviving legs of the table and disappeared into his room, closing the door with a gentle, but definite click of the lock. 

Steve sighed, and made a phone call. 

~

Nat's voice on the other end was every bit as exasperated as usual, if not more so. "You can't be serious, Cap, you said it yourself, she's just a kid."

"I'm running out of options, I don't know what to do," he said, checking his watch. Someone was supposed to meet him soon. 

"Does Barnes know you're doing this? That you're asking for this?"

He didn't answer, and she sighed on the other end of the line. "He might not want this. Is that what you want out of this?"

~

"I know what you're thinking," Wanda said, using her power to stir her coffee with the spoon. 

"There's a shock," Steve said, eyes downcast to avoid her gaze. 

"I can't help him, Captain. He's damaged, too damaged." "You got Tony to see his worst fear, I don't see why you can't do the opposite. Bucky's already seen the worst."

"So you think," she said simply, sipping from her cup. 

~

"Sergeant Barnes, it's Dr. Banner." A soft knock followed. He stood at the door, looking through the peephole into the dark apartment. 

It opened slightly, and a face appeared in the narrow opening. "My name is Bucky," he said, opening the door wider to let the man pass. 

"I was on the roof the other night, for the party. "Mmhmm," the other man said, sitting with his face in his hands on the couch. "It's not your fault you know. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you or what you did."

"Forgive me if I have trouble believing you," Bucky said, "I've killed more people than the amount of hair on your head."

Banner ignored him. "I know what it's like to be forced to do things you don't want to do, and what it's like to not remember anything when it happens. It's okay." Bucky played with his hands. "Steve thinks he can save me. Truth is, I think I'm passed all that."

"Then why haven't you done anything about that?"

Bucky's head snapped up. "I - I can't do that. Steve and I have lost each other once, I'm not going through that again. I'm not gonna put him through that."

"You didn't deny having thought about it." Banner mused. "I used to be like you, thought I was too dangerous; and everyone else was better off without me."

"What did you do?"

Banner laughed without humor. "Well, I swallowed a bullet, but the other guy spit it out. Again. And again. And again. After a while, I stopped. I didn't have to be the monster people saw me as anymore. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy Bucky. They think I am a monster, therefore, I show them the monster. Then I started trying to help people, do the right thing. Do I still get the looks, the fear? Yes. But I don't let that stop me. Because the people I care about don't even think about that part of me. And neither do yours."

"I don't have many people who care about me anymore," Bucky said with his head down, hair covering his face. "One and the same, Buck, one and the same," Banner said, getting up and patting him on the back. 

He was almost out of the door when he turned back and said, "Don't give him such a hard time just because you've given up on yourself. I know I didn't know him the way you do, but I've fought alongside him enough to know that he doesn't give up on anything."

Bucky smirked. "Has he hit you with the whole 'I could do this all day' yet?"


	4. Chapter 4

Steve came home to Bucky laying on the couch, staring at the TV. He didn't pay any attention to it really. "Hey Buck, I'm sorry", Steve said, squeezing his shoulder as he sat down next to him. " 

"Thank you," Bucky said after a while, letting Steve rest his head in the crook of his neck. "I'm with you til the end of the line, Buck," he muttered, barely coherent. It wasn't long before the man was asleep, Bucky still holding his hand.


End file.
